she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
