I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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