Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
