i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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