peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
