They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize