Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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