"it" just moved
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
