no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
