I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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