my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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