On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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