I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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