True but thats because hes a fetus.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Randomize
