apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize