omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
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