you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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