Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
