Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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