As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
