I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
