i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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