someone get that fucking seahorse.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
