Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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