Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
