speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
