If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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