Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
