just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
