Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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