I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
