I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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