What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
