god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do vagina's smell?
only you would photoshop your dick
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
