The maid of honor just puked.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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