My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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