Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You can't just leave with hair like that
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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