Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
