How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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