pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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