just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
