Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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