Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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