If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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