She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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