sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
