Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
