He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
