Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
