Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
