I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
