you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
