I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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