I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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