why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
