he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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